It was a Friday morning that I sneak to the bathroom with my pregnancy test kit. I didn't tell my husband that I brought the kit just incase it have a NEGATIVE answer, at least to save him the disappointment. I was muttering to myself that the kit was expensive: a digital pregnancy test for almost 10€. With my still limited German language, I decided just to take it after the pharmacist told me that it's on offer. But the moment the kit printed ''schwanger'' (pregnant in english), my heart was totally exploding with happiness. I patiently wait for the kit to tell me how many weeks old is my baby. Finally, it wrote: 2-3 (weeks). I lovingly rubbed my tummy as I went to bed try waking up my husband (with no avail, hahaha). Just the same, I give a silent thank you prayer. Luckily, before I left for my language course, he woke up & I was able to show him the test result. We kiss & hug.
During that day, I ask advice from my Spanish classmate who lives nearby. She have kids, so I figure maybe she know a doctor near our area. I was happy, excited and nervous being a first-time-to-be-mom. It was a nice feeling.
Come the weekend, I panic! I saw I bleed a little. But with the test saying I am pregnant for approximately 2-3 weeks, then it must be a bad thing! The earliest possible time to get a schedule with a doctor is Tuesday. Through out I tried to stay calm but being a worrywart, this is not easy.
During the ultrasound, I eagerly look at the monitor. I am going to see my baby for the first time -- or at least a glimpse! The moment I saw the shape, I glance to my hubby with a little smile on my lips. Then the doctor said something like 'it seems to be bad and there is no heartbeat'. The doctor is talking to me in english but somehow, I felt I did not really get to register what he is really trying to tell me. I glance again to my husband now confused but he just gave me a reassuring look. The doctor explained that the ultrasound also have an indicator for heartbeat & that at this stage: the baby should now have a heartbeat -- but there was none. The doctor was saying something else too but all seems to be a distant to me. At the end, the last part that I heard clearly is when the doctor said ''sorry''.
The world -- or should I say 'my world' -- feels like everything is crashing down. The doctor explain that we didn't do anything wrong that it just didn't work out & the baby did not get to develop well. Through out the explanation on needing to ''abort'' or remove the fetus from my tummy, all I answered was ''okey''. There was not much to say actually.
Outside the clinic, there was a nearby park. We went & sat there together --- quietly. I was all tears that time. My husband called up his mom to arrange an appointment to go with me to the hospital the next day. It was then, the first time I saw my husband cried. We hug and comfort each other --- the whole incident is a nightmare.
You can read my Reflection here.
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