Preg...NOT! -- the reflection

I was easily in tears when I saw or hear kids screaming or laughing. It was something I would love to hear from my baby. My husband and I took the week off just to be together on this tragic times. I was literally like a walking tissue -- I am only glad that my husband was stronger. Or maybe he was being strong for the both of us? We did feel abit better when we talk about it. At the end, we agreed that this was already the best possible outcome out of this sad event. Life goes on. We need to move on.

I have a guilt feeling and alot of what-if's. However, my doctor explained to me that we - my husband and I - did nothing wrong and could have not done anything to change this fate. That this can happen to the most healthiest couple. But the bad news? There is no study uptodate that can specifically pinpoint what is the real cause of this.

I believe that in every situation there are 2 sides: a positive and a negative one. At least in my situation, I can confirmed that I did married the correct man. A night where I was crying about the missing heartbeat of the baby ... without a word, he placed my hand on his heart & made me feel it is still beating for me. He is my love. My comfort. If I love him alot before... now... I love him even more.

I will not lie and I did ask myself one time on why this have to happen to me. But then, I knew all the answers: Situations are only given to you if He was sure you can handle it. For whatever purpose it is, it is up to you to find it out. I have to admit that even myself: I am surprise that my Faith did not waver. On tough times I always remind other people that 'we have good plans but His plans are always the best'. This is the same thing in my mind now.

My doctor told me that our body heals easily, but the soul takes longer to heal. I believe this is true as well. As part of my husband's and my healing process, we engaged into garden activities. I am surprise as well how this improves our moods. I also receive flower plants as well-wishing gifts, and yes, it did improve the atmosphere at home. This must be the power of nature that we easily took for granted.

Another thing that help cheer me up is the realization that I can care or watch out for other people.  My Spanish friend is pregnant and hers - with much relief - have a heartbeat. I felt a little bad because mine did not make it, but it very sincerely happy for her. So this time around, I also check her out. I do believe that if you give or share love, it doubles up when it is return to you. This is something we cannot achieve if we are too busy with ourselves & our own world.

My husband and I do not want to give up just yet. Hopefully the next time I have a pregnant story to share -- it is all but good news. Wish us luck!!!



PS. We were not given the chance to hug our kid, so kindly hug your little ones for us. Thank you!

Preg ... NOT! -- the discovery

Have you ever saw those movies or videos about a doctor telling a couple that he/she is sorry but the baby (in the wife's tummy) have no heart beat? I thought it just happen in the movies or if it does, maybe, rare cases -- until it happen to me & my husband.

It was a Friday morning that I sneak to the bathroom with my pregnancy test kit. I didn't tell my husband that I brought the kit just incase it have a NEGATIVE answer, at least to save him the disappointment. I was muttering to myself that the kit was expensive: a digital pregnancy test for almost 10€. With my still limited German language, I decided just to take it after the pharmacist told me that it's on offer. But the moment the kit printed ''schwanger'' (pregnant in english), my heart was totally exploding with happiness. I patiently wait for the kit to tell me how many weeks old is my baby. Finally, it wrote: 2-3 (weeks). I lovingly rubbed my tummy as I went to bed try waking up my husband (with no avail, hahaha). Just the same, I give a silent thank you prayer. Luckily, before I left for my language course, he woke up & I was able to show him the test result. We kiss & hug.

During that day, I ask advice from my Spanish classmate who lives nearby. She have kids, so I figure maybe she know a doctor near our area. I was happy, excited and nervous being a first-time-to-be-mom. It was a nice feeling.
 
Come the weekend, I panic! I saw I bleed a little. But with the test saying I am pregnant for approximately 2-3 weeks, then it must be a bad thing! The earliest possible time to get a schedule with a doctor is Tuesday. Through out I tried to stay calm but being a worrywart, this is not easy.

During the ultrasound, I eagerly look at the monitor. I am going to see my baby for the first time -- or at least a glimpse! The moment I saw the shape, I glance to my hubby with a little smile on my lips. Then the doctor said something like 'it seems to be bad and there is no heartbeat'. The doctor is talking to me in english but somehow, I felt I did not really get to register what he is really trying to tell me. I glance again to my husband now confused but he just gave me a reassuring look. The doctor explained that the ultrasound also have an indicator for heartbeat & that at this stage: the baby should now have a heartbeat -- but there was none. The doctor was saying something else too but all seems to be a distant to me. At the end, the last part that I heard clearly is when the doctor said ''sorry''.

The world -- or should I say 'my world' -- feels like everything is crashing down. The doctor explain that we didn't do anything wrong that it just didn't work out & the baby did not get to develop well. Through out the explanation on needing to ''abort'' or remove the fetus from my tummy, all I answered was ''okey''. There was not much to say actually.

Outside the clinic, there was a nearby park. We went & sat there together --- quietly. I was all tears that time. My husband called up his mom to arrange an appointment to go with me to the hospital the next day. It was then, the first time I saw my husband cried. We hug and comfort each other ---  the whole incident is a nightmare.



You can read my Reflection here.

Introduction

Hello & Mabuhay!

Welcome to my blog (no. 3). My other blogs are the following:

1. Chinay Journey to Germany
-- I started this blog on May 2011 when I started to do my paperworks to marry & later on, get my visa from the Philippines to Germany (hence, the title). My initial purpose was to relieve my stress thru writing. But later on, I am much delighted that these writings have somehow help individuals who were seeking informations about the said paperworks. The feeling is rewarding. 

2. The Hobbit in Me
-- Started early this year (2013), this blog is all about adjustment periods as moving into a new Home (esp. when it's not your own country) is not easy. I am speaking from my experiences, but I am not claiming any expertise on the matter (just to be clear). My topics are limited at the moment as I rely on questions being thrown to me. So far, not much.

So, here we are: my third blog. This will be all about me & my personal whirlwinds that I found myself in. If you are looking for documentations, go for the Chinay Journey to Germany blog. For general advices, check The Hobbit in Me blog. Don't forget to read the Blog Disclaimers! And for personal happenings, here! Think of it like I am letting you read my personal journal. My only purpose this time is just to have a ground for me to voice out my inner feelings. So basically, just sharing -- that's it. 

Currently, I am 33 years old. Born and live most of my life in the Philippines & is now happily married to my partner whom I met thru an online-game around 5 years ago. Gosh, I sound so old! I grew up in a mixed Chinese-Filipino culture & is now adjusting to my new home, Germany.

This is all for now. Leaving you guys a quote by Gandalf from the Fellowship of the Ring movie:
''... But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us''.

Enjoy the rest of the day!!!

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